The problem with being forced to write a blog a day is that one ends up with more quantity than quality. In my desperate effort to come up with new ideas, I have decided to share with you, my dear readers, the steps to bathing a reluctant dog.
Acquire a dog, preferrably a dirty one. A day at the park, romping through leaves, chasing squirrels, sniffing trees, posts, trash cans and getting sand between the toes qualifies as enough dirt. Oily ears from dragging them in grease while licking out a chicken pan are a bonus.
Remove dog collar. Try to remember where you put it for later ease of dog walking. Stealthily, put towels into bathroom without letting dog see. Dress in comfortable clothing. You will get wet on this ride. Make certain that shower head and shampoos are at hand and in a ready position.
Steps #3, 4 and 5
Capture dog. Do not start running the water prior to attempting this, lest you wish to be in puppy pursuit for a period of time. Go into bathroom and shut the door, rendering dog captive. Run the water and get it to appropriate temperature. Put dog in tub even though dog will put paws on edge thinking it will avoid getting damp. Wet dog down, spraying hard to reach areas. Apply soap and rub length of body and tail and under tummy. Rinse well. Then slide hands down sides of dog to remove excess water. By now, you should be fairly wet from all the shaking, rattling and rolling. Dog will attempt to garner sympathy by looking pathetic, soggy and half its normal size.
Remove dog from tub captivity and wrap in a towel, rubbing vigorously to absorb moisture. Use a second towel as necessary or if you prefer, a hairdryer on low will help speed the drying process. Be aware that at this point, dog will subtley start exacting revenge by drenching your entire roll of toilet paper with tail.
Give dog a cookie as a reward for being clean and smelling socially acceptable once again. Our preference is the Canadian made product "Benny Bully's". Tasty, flavourful, nutritious and not full of undesirable fillers.
Place dog on floor. Dog will now tear around the house as if chasing a squirrel. Galloping noises will be unnerving at first. Shaking off remaining water droplets and rubbing against walls and furniture will ensue... more revenge.
Dog will now give you the silent treatment by hiding. One preferred location is under the bed where you might eventually note a dramatic change in carpet colour as a result of fur and water deposits...the ultimate revenge.
They are called "man's best friend" for a reason. After a mere twenty minutes of bathing, running and sulking, dog will be back begging to share your lap and your snacks. Be prepared for a soggy doggy, pretending to be a prairie dog.